


Feeding Illya

by Avirra



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-02-27 22:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avirra/pseuds/Avirra
Summary: Napoleon, Mark and April make a bet.  Does a legitimate dish exist that Illya would turn his nose up to?This will be a drabble story - each chapter will consist of ten drabbles





	1. Chapter 1

**Selyodka Pod Shuboy**

* * *

"Good morning, Mark - good morning, Napoleon. I see you both survived our little dinner party, but where is Illya?"

"Good morning, April. My erstwhile partner discovered a great catastrophe - he was out of tea. Mister Waverly overheard him and sent him off to buy some as it seems the Old Man's supply is also dangerously low."

"What did the two of you think of that herring dish Illya brought to dinner?"

"It was . . . interesting, Mark. I was a little put off by the name though. Selyodka Pod Shuboy translates to 'herring under a fur coat'.

"You're joking."

"Nope."

* * *

**A Friendly Wager**

* * *

"Illya's pallet is rather all-encompassing. I've seen him eat everything from blubber to caviar."

"There must be some food he'd turn his nose up to."

Mark held up a hand.

"If the three of us are about to start a friendly wager, we need some firm rules. Remember the cafeteria incident?"

"Very true, darling. We certainly don't want a repeat of that."

Napoleon offered coffee as the other two agents took a seat.

"Since you've brought it up, I take it you have something in mind, Mark?"

"As a matter of fact, I do."

* * *

**Rules of the Game**

* * *

"April? You're the only one of us with legible handwriting. Would you mind taking notes?"

"Certainly, Napoleon. Alright, Mark - fire away, darling."

"Alright. Rule one - any dish has to be a real food item with an established recipe and cooking procedure. No deciding to toss together Vegemite with chocolate pudding on a whim."

Both Napoleon and April made a face, then nodded agreement.

"Rule two - any dish has to be cooked properly. Nothing deliberately undercooked or burnt."

"So, anything we put forward needs to be something people actually eat and cooked the way that they would eat it."

"Precisely."

* * *

**Timing**

* * *

Tapping her pen against her pad, April frowned.

"Exactly how are we going to do this without it looking highly suspicious?"

A slow smile formed on Napoleon's face.

"I've got an idea. Don't we all owe Illya meals over past wages?"

"Don't remind me, darling. I'm probably in the hole for at least ten."

"So - we tell Illya that, if he's willing, we're going to start the new year by wiping the slate clean. We'll take turns feeding him for the entire month of January."

"You know, I think that would work."

* * *

**Keeping Score**

* * *

"One tiny problem with your schedule, Napoleon."

"What's that, Mark?"

"January has 31 days."

"Hmm - true. How about the four of us have a brunch together on the 31st? Whoever finds the most items Illya won't eat during the month will be declared the winner."

"But . . . what if none of us succeed?"

"Then I guess Illya is the winner. In more ways than one - after all, he's going to be fed for an entire month."

"Are we sure Illya won't be miffed at us?"

"Yes - it's not like we're trying to trick him, April."

* * *

**The Stakes**

* * *

"So, darlings? Exactly what are we wagering here? Not cash - that's vulgar."

"Okay, what about a services exchange?"

"Such as?"

"Since we're doing the meals in sets of ten, if I win, I get ten nights of wingman duty from each of you."

"Wingwoman, Napoleon. Alright - if I win, I get each of you for carrying duties on ten rounds of shopping."

"I think I'll pull an Illya - if I win, each of you owes me ten lunches. My choice of food."

The three agents considered quietly for a minute before all three nodded.

"Done and done."

* * *

**Light Duty**

* * *

As Illya came back into their office a short while later, Napoleon looked over the sling holding his partner's left hand at about heart level. Sadly, the only reason they could hold their little competition was due to the fact that all four of them were on light duty after their last encounter with THRUSH. In trying to make Illya talk, the THRUSH torturer had snapped three bones in Illya's left hand.

Hand gently touched the padding covering his own stitches, Napoleon considered this strange game would be good for them - give them something else to think about.

* * *

**Informing Illya**

* * *

Clearing his throat, Napoleon began.

"April, Mark and I were thinking . . ."

Carefully setting down his cup of tea, Illya's eyes had a spark of mischief in them.

"Shall I alert the media?"

"You're lucky my throwing arm is wounded, bub. Any way, since all four of us are stuck until we finish healing, we thought we'd take advantage of the downtime and pay you back for the meals we owe you. We'll take turns picking the food - April says there are some new dishes she's been dying to try."

Illya looked surprised, but not displeased.

* * *

**Choosing the Order**

* * *

Deciding they would go alphabetically, April was first - oddly enough, the order stayed the same whether they used their first names or their last names. They also decided to dine as a group, though the other two would pay for their own dinners.

After settling those details, they all got back to their paperwork and April gave them the address of where they would meet for dinner. Napoleon wondered what April was up to since a steak house didn't seem a place where anything would be served that Illya might turn down. Well, he'd find out soon enough.

* * *

**Dish 1:Rocky Mountain Oysters**

* * *

Once they were settled at their table, the waiter brought over the platter that April had pre-ordered. Illya looked at the fried food curiously.

"I was not aware that there were oysters in the Rocky Mountains."

"That's just a nickname, darling. These are fried bull testicles."

"Really?"

To her surprise, Illya didn't hesitate to try them.

"I believe I like them better this way than when we had them stewed, Napoleon."

Napoleon turned a touch green.

"When did we eat stewed testicles?"

"Remember that stew in Budapest? Although that was made with rooster testicles and not bull."


	2. Chapter 2

**Dish 2 :Stargazy Pie**

* * *

"This restaurant has a warm pub feel."

"That it does, April. I discovered it a month ago. Drinks?"

Everyone decided to try the featured Cornish beers. Illya helped Mark carry, coming back with the drinks as a savory pie arrived. Napoleon gave his drink a suspicious look, but he hadn't even sipped yet.

"Uhm, Mark? That pie is staring at me."

Illya smiled at the sardine heads protruding from the edge of the crust.

"Stargazy pie? I did not know you could get this outside of Cornwall."

Napoleon exchanged a glance with the others. This wouldn't be easy.

* * *

**Dish 3 :Scrapple**

* * *

For his first attempt, Napoleon went with a rustic dish one of his mother's cousins had been fond of that he personally thought was foul. Illya gave the arriving food a curious sniff.

"It rather looks like a breakfast instead of a dinner."

"Some folks do prefer as a morning meal instead of an evening one."

The eggs were served nicely pouched over a slice of something fried.

"It's called scrapple - sort of a mush of hog trimmings, cornmeal and flour that they form into a loaf, slice and fry."

Illya tried a bite, humming with pleasure.

"Delicious."

* * *

**Dish 4 :Tunisian Tripe**

* * *

For her second try, April chose a small family owned spot that boasted a dish, Tunisian Tripe, that sounded vile to her. The pickled pig foot in it alone was enough to make her queasy. Mark and Napoleon were starting to rethink the whole bit about all of them eating together.

When the dish came to the table, Illya spoke to the server in Arabic. The man responded enthusiastically and other family members poured out of the kitchen to chat.

Illya served himself to a generous helping.

"They say they made it from lamb tripe. Does it not smell wonderful?"

* * *

**Illya's Musings (pt 1)**

* * *

Being both a spy and a scientist, something about the whole 'paying back of meals' thing had Illya suspicious from the start. By the time the second round had begun, he knew something else going on.

For one thing, for all the profession of there being dishes they had all wanted to try, he noted a decided lack of enthusiasm for some of the dishes. Then Illya chuckled. Napoleon was likely going to learn the word testicle in a number of languages in order to avoid eating them again. And yet, snail meat was acceptable? Napoleon could be so perplexing.

* * *

**Dish 5 :Limburger Cheeseburgers**

* * *

Mark decided to hone in on Illya's comment about smell and based his pick on a dish that wasn't the best smelling. Leading the way into a restaurant, Mark grinned.

"Hope you all stocked up on breath mints. I've heard they make a great cheeseburger, but the smell is a bit potent."

A bit potent proved to be an understatement as the kitchen delivered four deluxe cheeseburgers - thick slices of limburger melted over the patties topped with slices of raw onion. The odor had April's nose wrinkled but Illya didn't balk at taking a bite.

* * *

**Dish 6 :Stinky Tofu**

* * *

Entering the restaurant boasting Taiwanese style street foods, April winced. Her nose hadn't recovered from the cheeseburger, but something inside was giving the limburger a run for its money.

Napoleon escorted April to the table while he chatting.

"One of our Hong Kong agents told me about this place and said they make the best stinky tofu outside of Taipei."

April and Mark both managed tight smiles, but Illya looked openly intrigued.

"I think I will try it fried - I would also like a bowl of the house soup featuring it."

Napoleon already knew this attempt was a bust.

* * *

**Dish 7 :Vegetable Lasagna**

* * *

One thing April knew without doubt? Neither her stomach or her waistline needed another heavy meal. After some consideration, she decided to go an entirely different direction. The restaurant du jour was advertised as 100% meatless - not even fish on the menu.

Nothing from the white bean soup served with an onion tart to the vegetable lasagna accompanied with ratatouille was even mildly objectionable, so she doubted her third attempt was likely to produce anything Illya would reject. She was satisfied that some of the foods were things Illya had never tried before and everyone ate with a good appetite.

* * *

**Dish 8 :Gooey Duck Clams**

* * *

Deciding the best way to handle the rest of the competition was to simply look for foods he'd always been curious about himself, Mark's next pick was a seafood restaurant.

"They fly in something called a gooey duck clam from Washington twice a week. They're said to be the largest burrowing clam in the world."

April looked at the seafood display and gasped.

"That looks like an elephant trunk attached to a clam shell."

"Not what I thought it looked like."

"Don't be rude, Napoleon."

"He may regret that thought when we sit down to eat."

* * *

**Illya's Musings (pt 2)**

* * *

Illya was still sure that his three fellow agents were up to something, but what? Maybe they told the truth about wanting to try the various odd dishes. April was certainly enthusiastic enough about the vegetarian feast and Mark had tried as many variations of gooey duck clams as Illya himself had.

Napoleon had to literally close his eyes before he could eat the clams, which immensely amused Illya. Sitting back with a cup of tea, he reconsidered. Perhaps they were betting which of them would be willing to try as many different foods as he would? That sounded feasible.

* * *

**Dish 9 :Kimchi**

* * *

Napoleon was not about to throw in the towel - not with this being only his third attempt and with seven more tries to go. Remembering his days as a soldier, he found a Korean restaurant that served what smelled like the same sort of kimchi he had encountered while stationed in Korea. Between the fermented fish and the hot peppers, the mixture seemed to set his nose hairs on fire.

Later that night, watching as Illya not only finished his first bowl of kimchi but requested seconds, Napoleon began to wonder if THRUSH had damaged Illya's sense of smell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dish 10 :Summer Salad Pie**

* * *

The next place April found was set up more like a lunch counter, but it was open at night, so she considered that it counted - though she wasn't terribly sure she would be able to bring herself to eat their 'featured specials' - all of which seemed to feature gelatin in non-dessert items.

The special that day was Summer Salad Pie, consisting of a cheese crust, a filling of lemon gelatin mixed with tomato sauce, vegetables and Worchester sauce, topped with tuna fish salad. While Illya ate it, the dish did earn one distinction. Illya didn't request seconds.

* * *

**Bromo-seltzer**

* * *

When Mark woke up the next morning, he was still debating whether or not he was going to be speaking to his partner again. Mixing lemon gelatin and any fish should be made illegal in his view. Though he did mentally concede that it might not have been too bad if the gelatin hadn't been sweet. The sweet lemon kept the dish from being properly savory.

In a way, it was a shame as the cheese crust - what he ate of it by itself - was delicious. Sighing, Mark fixed a Bromo-seltzer and wondered how the others were faring.

* * *

**Dish 11 :Hog Maw**

* * *

Napoleon was cheered by the savory smells coming from the restaurant Mark led them into.

"One of our fellow agents told me this place specializes in Pennsylvania Dutch cooking. One dish she mentioned tweaked my curiousity."

When the hog maw arrived, it smelled far better than it looked. The sausage, cabbage and potato mixture was baked inside of a pig stomach. Illya held out his plate to Mark.

"I wonder if this dish was inspired by haggis?"

Mark shrugged, putting a generous helping on Illya's plate.

"I was wondering that myself, mate."

"I believe I prefer this to haggis."

* * *

**Dish 12 :Deep Fried Muskrat**

* * *

For his next try, Napoleon invited them all to his apartment. He had gotten assistance from Tina Judd of the secretarial pool, a New Jersey native who had agreed to bring up a dish from her home area of South Jersey - a pan of deep fried muskrat. She had already advised Napoleon to have some hot oil ready to give the pieces a quick fry to warm and crisp them just before serving.

Hearing muskrat was enough to make April queasy, but Illya didn't hesitate to give it a try.

"Rather like duck, but with a slightly fishy taste."

* * *

**Late Night Thoughts**

* * *

As he headed to bed that night, Napoleon was chuckling to himself. Illya had asked after the muskrat dinner if Napoleon had planned that meal in remembrance of their discussion about groundhogs. He hadn't even thought of that, but it was funny.

Fluffing his pillow, he also admitted to himself that he really hadn't had any idea of the sheer range of unusual foods that could be found in the area. If nothing else, he had a wide range of odd conversational tidbits for future dates. Speaking of which, he owed Tina Judd a date for the muskrats.

* * *

**Dish 13 :Ham and Bananas Hollandaise**

* * *

April led them to another small diner. Napoleon frowned, but April promised that nothing in their dinner would be encased in gelatin. Still, when the main course arrived, all four of them stared at it before Illya finally broke the silence.

"Are those . . . bananas?"

Rethinking her choice of the night, April merely nodded.

"Wrapped in ham?"

Another silent nod, followed by Mark venturing a question.

"With hollandaise sauce on top?"

Illya put one of the bananas onto his plate and tried it.

"It tastes better than it looks."

Napoleon accepted a portion as he muttered.

"That wouldn't take much."

* * *

**Paregoric**

* * *

Mark stopped at a drugstore on his way home. The combined effect on his system from the nearly two weeks of odd dinners had gone past the point of Bromo-seltzer helping. After listening to Mark's symptoms, the pharmacist recommended Paregoric. Willing to try anything that would ease his current problems, Mark bought a bottle and took the advised dosage as soon as he got home. To his delight, the medication worked quickly and allowed him to get some much needed sleep.

He was seriously debating how long it would take him to forgive April for that banana dish

* * *

**Dish 14 :Fried Chicken Gizzards**

* * *

Mark's next pick was a soul food restaurant boasting the best chicken gizzard meal in New York. Of course, Mark admitted he had no idea if there was any competition in the city for that title.

The platters had generous helpings of fried chicken gizzards, mustard greens, black-eyed peas cooked with ham hocks, and corn bread. Bottles of both pepper sauce and tabasco sauce were brought to the table as well. Illya tried everything without the condiments first, then tried the pepper sauce.

Napoleon didn't care for the texture of gizzards, but allowed the taste was alright.

* * *

**Dish 15 :Mao Xue Wang**

* * *

Still aiming for bizarre foods, Napoleon found his next choice in New Jersey at an authentic Chinese restaurant. In this case, a spicy Sichuan soup made with pork blood curd, eel and pig offal. He sighed as he noticed that both Illya and Mark both dove right in while April was giving him a dirty look.

"Rather like a blood sausage, isn't it, mate?"

"Very similar, Mark, but I believe they have used rice instead of oatmeal."

April limited her soup intake to a couple of spoons claiming, not without justification, that the spices were too hot for her.

* * *

**Dish 16 :Eggplant Parmesan**

* * *

April sighed as she idly flipped through a phone book. They were exactly halfway through their challenge and she didn't know if she and her stomach could make it through the rest of the month. Thinking about the pork blood curd from the previous night still made her a bit queasy.

Remembering something her mother had once said about people either loving or hating eggplant, she found a restaurant that served eggplant parmesan. As it turned out, all four of them were in the 'love' category. Oh well, at least Mark might forgive her for the banana dish now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Dish 17 : Tavuk Göğsü**

* * *

Except for indigestion, Mark was enjoying their evenings together. Illya was becoming more talkative as the month progressed and the small Russian was a treasure trove of stories when in a chatty mood.

Mark's Turkish restaurant featured darkened rooms and well spaced tables designed for chatting. The baba ghanouj was tasty and the lamb kababs were grilled, lightly spiced and succulent.

It was the dessert that was a bit odd. Mark had never heard of a dessert made from chicken meat, still the Tavuk Göğsü wasn't savory at all, but rich and creamy. Illya agreed and requested seconds.

* * *

**Dish 18 : Farci Poitevin**

* * *

Napoleon made his next choice with mental apologies to his Aunt Amy. While she adored farci poitevin, he had never been able to bring himself to taste it - the appearance reminded him too much of what he had shoveled out of the stables as a teenager.

After the greenish-brown mound was brought to the table with thin slices of crusty bread, Illya smeared a generous helping on a slice before offering the bread to April. Realizing that he was finally going to have to eat some, Napoleon could swear he could hear the sound of Aunt Any's laughter,

* * *

**Dish 19 : Navy Bean Pie**

* * *

April had the night's menu planned and would serve it at her apartment after picking it all up from various places. She sincerely hoped none of the boys had digestive problems with beans. It was too cold to open windows.

They began with shelled bean and swiss chard panzanella followed by sausage and white bean soup. The main course was duck cassoulet sided by mixed bean salad with tomato vinaigrette. The finish was, of all things, a navy bean pie.

Not only did everyone eat well, Illya wasn't the only one to have a second piece of pie.

* * *

**Illya's Musings (pt 3)**

* * *

As he showered that night, Illya thought over the month again. Most of the food had been excellent - though his opinion of gelatin products had not been improved by that tuna and gelatin monstrosity. Still, at least one dish every meal was an item that might be considered off-putting by appearance, smell, texture, or name.

A few meals? Possibly coincidence (not that he really believed in coincidence). Nineteen in a row? This was planned for some reason. Turning off the water and reaching for a towel, he decided he could wait. THRUSH excepted, Napoleon couldn't keep a secret.

* * *

**Dish 20 : Cincinnati Chili**

* * *

April groaned when she realized what Mark had picked for their meal.

"Cincinnati chili? Really, darling? I'm going to have to get a whole new wardrobe a size larger."

As he took his seat, Illya looked to Mark.

"What is different about Cincinnati chili?"

Mark answered as he signaled the server.

"My first time trying it as well, mate, but it's a spicy meat sauce over spaghetti. They serve it five-way here - that's the sauce over the spaghetti topped with shredded cheese, raw onions and kidney beans."

Illya smiled as the plates arrived.

"Looks very filling."

* * *

**Dish 21 : Baba de Camelo aka Camel Drool**

* * *

Choosing a Portuguese restaurant, Napoleon braced himself. Everything he had chosen either sounded or looked peculiar.

The starter was Salada de Orelha de Porco - Pig Ear Salad. The main course was Iscas com Elas - thin slices of pork liver fried with onions. The desert had the most disgusting name Napoleon could imagine - Baba de Camelo which translated to Camel Drool. April left the table after hearing the translation.

While the runny caramel dessert proved to be tasty, Napoleon couldn't eat it without remembering the name which, in turn, made him gag. Illya thought it a bit sweet, but enjoyable.

* * *

**Pepto-Bismol**

* * *

April was not feeling well by the time she got home. Liver was never going to be her meal of choice and eating that had already upset her stomach. Napoleon translating the name of the dessert? That had pushed her over the edge. Oh sure, intellectually she knew that the name of a dish had nothing to do with how it tasted, but try telling that to her stomach.

Taking a dose of Pepto-Bismol to soothe her stomach and a hot bubble bath to soothe the rest of her, April sighed and wondered what she should choose for tomorrow.

* * *

**Dish 22 : Village Hammers**

* * *

April had a feeling neither Mark nor Napoleon would be speaking to her after dessert. Her last meal featured beans - this one centered around prunes and she'd found one restaurant that offered it all.

Appetizers were Village Hammers - bacon-wrapped goat cheese stuffed prunes. The entree was pork roll stuffed with prunes and apples served with side salads of mixed greens, walnuts, and prunes dressed with prune vinaigrette. Dessert was frangipane prune tart served with Armagnac prune ice cream.

Illya didn't comment on all the prunes, but she was right about Mark and Napoleon not speaking to her.

* * *

**Gastric Revenge**

* * *

Sitting in his bathroom, Mark decided that all holds were now off. There was a meal he'd heard one of the newer agents laughing about, but even though he had thought about trying it himself, he had decided against it because he knew April would be bemoaning the effect if would have on her figure.

Well, after feeding all of them a bean-filled meal followed by a prune-laden one, she could bloody well hire a seamstress to let her skirts out so far as he was concerned. He hoped the others were faring better than he was.

* * *

**Dish 23 : Garbage Plate**

* * *

Mark chatted as he led them into the diner.

"One of our new blokes told me the dish here actually originated in Rochester, but he says this version is a good one.

When the plates of food were sat in front of them, April's mouth literally dropped open. Illya examined his before looking to Mark.

"Intriguing. What is it?"

"Bottom layer is baked beans, French fries over those with two cheeseburger patties atop the fries and then they cover the whole thing with a spicy meat chili sauce and onions. Lady and gentlemen - I give you the garbage plate."


	5. Chapter 5

**Bitters and Tonic**

* * *

After the garbage plate, Napoleon's stomach was protesting loudly. It was still fairly early, so he turned to the main source of comfort in his life - his Aunt Amy.

Once she had her nephew settled in his favorite chair, Aunt Amy mixed up her favorite concoction for an upset stomach. It was very simple - ice in a glass, add a few drops of bitters, fill the glass with tonic water, stir well to mix and serve.

As Napoleon slowly sipped the soothing drink, he told Aunt Amy all about their little contest. She tsked him, but didn't scold.

* * *

**Food Reminiscing**

* * *

It was, of course, perfectly natural that Aunt Amy began to titter and talk about some of the peculiar dishes she had sampled herself on her many trips abroad. Since he still had three more dinners to host, Napoleon took careful mental notes and wondered if any of the foods could be found in New York.

Aunt Amy herself provided him with the solution for his next meal, giving him the business card to a caterer who specialized in authentic cuisine from the Mediterranean. Glancing at her mantel clock, she advised him to call immediately, so Napoleon borrowed her telephone.

* * *

**Chef Giordano**

* * *

When Chef Giordano received Napoleon's call, he was just finishing a long day and his first impulse was to turn down the last minute request for his services immediately. The last name sunk in before that happened and, once he knew Napoleon was related to one of his favorite customers, Napoleon's request was taken more favorably.

What sealed the deal was that Napoleon left the choice of menu entirely in the chef's hands, specifying only that he and his friends were after trying the more unusual dishes from the region. Time and cost were quickly agreed on.

* * *

**Dish 24 : Bone Marrow Custard**

* * *

The chef took Napoleon at his word. There were dishes in his repertoire that he rarely prepared, so this was his opportunity to use animal parts he often saved for his own meals.

The meal began with cow lung soup with skewers of roasted cow udder on the side. The main dish was a whole roasted lamb's head - since Napoleon had made a remark about sardines staring at him, Mark wondered how Napoleon felt about a lamb doing the same.

Dessert was a bone marrow custard and April remarked they certainly weren't lacking for protein in their diets.

* * *

**Dish 25 : Celery and Mushroom Salad**

* * *

Even before Napoleon had fed them a nearly all-meat meal, April had decided to go mostly vegetable again. While she chided herself for being in a rut, she found it easier to pick a theme and stick with it. This time? It was mushrooms at an Italian restaurant.

The opener was a celery and mushroom salad that Mark poked at more than he ate. The main course was spaghetti with mushroom and lentil meatballs. Dessert wasn't really sweet, but it was an interesting combination of mushroom, figs and Gruyère cheese. Illya seemed highly amused, but cleared his plates.

* * *

**Illya's Musing (pt 4)**

* * *

Illya put on a jazz record, poured himself a glass of vodka and settled down in his favorite chair. He quickly had both Wellington and Lawan vying for a spot on his lap. Wellington finally gave up and stretched out on the back on Illya's chair, nuzzling his neck occasionally and receiving scratches behind his ears in return as Illya spoke to them.

"You know, I now find that I no longer care what the three of them are up to. I have discovered many new foods that I enjoy and it has kept me from brooding about healing."

* * *

**Dish 26 : Jellied Eels**

* * *

Mark was feeling nostalgic and, while he was already sure that Illya would enjoy the meal, he wasn't so sure about April and Napoleon. Some London foods took some getting used to or genetic predisposition.

April commented Mark had an affinity for pub-style eateries and he didn't deny it. The food served was steak and kidney pie with mashed potatoes - or as Illya and Mark both called it, pies and mash. There was also a bowl of jellied eels served. Napoleon was fine with the pie and mash, but it took two drinks to attempt the eels.

* * *

**Unexpected Enjoyment**

* * *

As she brushed out her hair before bed, April thought about that night's meal. She had carefully watched how Mark and Illya ate the eel, adding the vinegar and white pepper to it as they did. To her surprise, the texture was a bit odd, but she enjoyed the flavor. It was no where near as fishy as she'd feared and she decided the next time they ended up in London, she was going to have Mark introduce her to it in its native setting.

From his expression when he tried it, she doubted Napoleon would join them.

* * *

**Aunt Amy**

* * *

Napoleon ended up at his Aunt Amy's apartment again. She laughed and agreed that eels, jellied or otherwise, were a bit of an acquired taste for most people. What really amused her was that her nephew seemed almost indignant that he was the only one of the four that didn't enjoy them.

"My dear boy, as much as you travel, I would have thought you would have experimented far more. My heavens, I've sampled everything from haggis to fish head curry in my day."

They exchanged stories of odd foods they'd encountered long into the night.

* * *

**Dish 27 : Red Ant Chutney**

* * *

Thinking of curry, Napoleon visited an Indian restaurant, offering the chef the same open hand as he had with Chef Giordano. The man laughed and turned Napoleon over to his wife, who told him when to pick up the home cooked meal.

Napoleon almost chickened out after asking what she made. Two chutneys, one marked mango-coconut and the other as red ant. There was also curried goat accompanied by puri, a deep-fried bread. Dessert was a moong daal halwa, a warm mix of lentils and dried fruit he served over ice cream.

Illya wanted the restaurant's location.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tea Time**

* * *

Making herself a pre-bed cup of tea, April was pleased that her partnership with Mark had gotten her accustomed to eating curry on a fairly regular basis. She still wasn't sure about the red ant chutney and had held out the hope that it had been named for its bite and not for its contents. No such luck.

One last round of dishes. She had already decided to have a Mexican styled meal as her final choice. She might as well enjoy the last three meals. After that, it was salad time until her clothes fit properly again.

* * *

**Dish 28 : Beef Tongue Tacos**

* * *

The Mexican restaurant April took them to was intimate and run by a family she and Mark had assisted on a mission during their first year together. Mark was pleased - he enjoyed visiting with the family and he knew from experience that they were good cooks.

They started with bowls of cubed ripe fruits - mango, pitaya, and mamey - sprinkled with salt and chili powder with lime juice squeezed over them. That was followed by tacos made with tender slices of beef tongue. Dessert was sugary and crisp sopapilla served with cactus flower ice cream.

Everyone ate a bit too much.

* * *

**Thoughts on Tongue**

* * *

Mark was feeling very content as he brushed his teeth. The meal at the Mexican restaurant had been one of his favorites of the month.

Tongue had always been a staple in his household when growing up, though his mother tended to get tinned tongue instead of fresh. Fresh was, as it usually is, far superior in texture and taste. Napoleon had admitted to being ambivalent toward eating tongue, claiming he was never quite sure if he was tasting it or it was tasting him - which both Mark and Illya had found hilarious. April had settled for rolling her eyes.

* * *

Dish **29 : Tangle Britches**

* * *

For his final meal choice, Mark returned to the Pennsylvania Dutch restaurant - there were some other dishes that had his interest - the beet and apple salad, a vegetable beef soup with egg balls, and sauerbraten with spaetzli and sweet-sour red cabbage. For dessert, Mark ignored the dirty looks from April and had the server bring out not one, but two oddly named sweets - tangle britches, which turned out to be sort of like funnel cakes with molasses dribbled on top, and shoofly pie, made with molasses and served with very strong coffee.

Illya remarked he needed to visit Pennsylvania.

* * *

**Battle of the Bulge**

* * *

Napoleon was not happy. His newest suit, tailored to him not even two months ago, was not fitting well and, after studying himself in the mirror, he switched to an older suit, feeling great sympathy for April.

He knew only part of it was their diet of the past month. The rest of it was the enforced inactivity while he was healing. The areas where he had stitches prevented him from doing any sort of decent workout, but unless he wanted to be out of commission even longer, he had to be patient and wait until his stitches came out.

* * *

**A Case of Fidgets**

* * *

Already out of sorts before getting to their office, Napoleon's fidgety mood finally drew a long-suffering sigh from Illya.

"Napoleon, settle down and perhaps stop drinking coffee. You are practically vibrating in your chair."

Napoleon sighed in turn.

"Sorry, chum. This inactivity has me stir-crazy."

"Believe me, tovarich, I am as anxious to be rid of this cast as you are your stitches. Be patient just three more days. You know the doctor has already threatened bedrest if you pop another stitch."

Napoleon sank down in his chair. When Illya spoke of it later, Napoleon denied pouting.

* * *

**Fractures**

* * *

That afternoon, Illya was summoned to Medical for new x-rays and found April and Mark there as well. A THRUSH agent had twisted April's arm so roughly that he'd fractured her bone near the elbow. In Mark's case, a bullet struck his collarbone during their escape, causing a partial fracture. Illya was annoyed he was the only one of them still in a sling.

His annoyance abated when the finger splints were removed. He would still be on limited duty for another two weeks, but being able to move his hand again was an enormous relief.

* * *

 **Dish** **30 : Shirasu-don**

* * *

For his last shot, Napoleon returned to the Orient, but already acknowledged nobody would win.

Beers came with a trio of snacks : kanniko, crunchy whole baby crabs that had been roasted while their shells were soft; aamondo fisshu, a salted mix of dried fish and almonds; and surume, shredded dried squid.

Next came shirasu-don, which at first glance appeared to be translucent noodles mounded on rice. April gamely ate them anyway after seeing the 'noodles' had eyes and were, in fact, raw baby sardines. Dessert was manju, red bean paste filled steamed buns.

Illya mourned the end of January.

* * *

**Brunch Plans**

* * *

Before they went their separate ways that night, Napoleon raised his final beer of the evening in a toast.

"I know Medical wants all of us in first thing in the morning to run a full workup including blood work. So, since none of us can eat after midnight, why don't we get together after Medical is through with us and all go out for brunch?"

Everyone agreed that was a great idea, finishing off their beers before calling cabs to get home. Napoleon and Illya shared a cab home, discussing ways to build back up to field condition.

* * *

**Illya's Physical**

* * *

All four agents descended on Medical at the same time. The staff immediately took Illya in. Having to fast before testing made the Russian testy enough. Making him wait only shortened the fuse and intensified the explosion.

The doctor was pleased overall.

"Your bones have knitted nicely so we'll start you on therapy immediately - get your dexterity back in that hand. You could still stand to gain a few pounds, but for once, you aren't underweight. I know it will be difficult once you're back on full duty, but whatever you've been doing, keep it up."


	7. Chapter 7

**April's Physical**

* * *

April's turn came next and Mark winced when he heard April's shriek. Napoleon looked toward the British agent.

"Think the doctor should have warmed up his stethoscope first?"

Mark shook his head.

"Pretty sure that was due to a scale, not a stethoscope. April's been complaining about gaining weight."

"Poor April."

"Poor April? Poor me! Do you have any idea what I'll be going through until she loses every single extra ounce? I'll be smelling cottage cheese and tuna fish for days. And get glared at for every bite I put in my own mouth."

* * *

**Self-Preservation**

* * *

April emerged from her exam as Illya finished his consultation with the therapist.

Illya listened as April moaned about the six pounds she'd gained. Personally, he thought the gain gave April a more pleasantly rounded figure but self-preservation instincts warned him that any sentence using the word rounded was not likely to be received well, so Illya kept that opinion to himself.

Cleared to begin her own therapy, April headed into the therapist's office while Mark headed in for his workup. For the sake of harmony with his partner, he hoped he had a weight gain himself.

* * *

**Mark's Physical**

* * *

As it turned out, Mark only gained two pounds, which he doubted would protect him from his partner's ire. While the doctor prattling on about how well his fracture had healed, Mark decided not to mention his weight at all and, if April pressed, mention only the gain, not the amount.

Sighing as he waited for the therapist, Mark knew he couldn't even give his normal cheering up package to April. Chocolates might well get thrown back at him. A quick consultation with sympathetic nurses produced the suggestion of a herbal tea selection with a lovely new cup.

* * *

**Napoleon's Physical**

* * *

To Napoleon's great relief, his stitches were removed with only a slight scolding from the doctor that, had he behaved himself from the beginning, the stitches would already have been out. He was cautioned to leave the supportive strips on for the next week and to rebuild his activity level gradually. When Napoleon grimaced at his nearly ten pounds of weight gain, the doctor reassured him that would disappear soon enough as he returned to his usual work routine.

As he waited for the therapist, Napoleon's stomach growled at him.

"One last good brunch and then? We diet."

* * *

**Diner Time**

* * *

Everyone was more than ready to get a bite to eat once Napoleon was given his suggested exercise program by the therapist. None of them were back to field duty status, but they were all a step closer. Mister Waverly had been informed of their plans and had approved of them, so they headed to an old favored diner.

The waitress on duty was one that knew them well and she soon had them settled at the table she knew they preferred. As it was late for breakfast and early for lunch, they pretty much had the place to themselves.

* * *

**Ruby**

* * *

Ruby, the waitress, was an older woman. Motherly, but not overbearing and her easy familiarity made even Illya relax.

"Welcome back, my dears. Mike came up with a new daily special - any of you care to try it?"

All three men agreed to order it, but April regretfully declined, asking for grapefruit and a bowl of cottage cheese. Ruby tsked at her, not scolding, but in a genuinely concerned fashion that reminded April of her own mother.

"Miss April, if you don't start eating more, these nice gents will have to start holding you down when the wind blows."

* * *

**Brunch is Served**

* * *

The special turned out to be home fries sided by bacon and sausage, covered by a creamy white pepper gravy topped with two sunny-side up eggs. Ruby looked concerned when Illya didn't start right in as she expected.

"Is everything alright?"

Illya gave her an apologetic look.

"I am sorry, but . . "

Then she took a look at his plate and started apologizing.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry. I don't know how I missed that. I'll have that fixed in a jiffy."

Sweeping off with Illya's plate, she headed straight back into the kitchen with it.

* * *

**Eggs**

* * *

The other three watched as Ruby quickly returned with Illya's plate. He smiled and thanked her warmly - the eggs on top were now poached eggs. At their inquiring glances, Illya gave a shrug that was far more self-conscious than usual.

"It is a silly thing, but I have never cared for sunny side up eggs."

Why that admission drew groans from all three of his fellow agents seemed very strange, but Illya had more important things to attend to - like eating his brunch. He gave them the eye when Napoleon began laughing, then April and Mark joined in.

* * *

**Confessions**

* * *

Once Napoleon caught his breath, he confessed what had been going on the whole month to Illya, pleased to see his partner looking amused rather than irritated.

"No offense, my friends, but it was not a good test. You put food in front of me that was already paid for so I was not going to waste it regardless of how I felt about it. Surely you noticed that I even ate the gelatin - and you all know what I think of that "

April groaned at that as she stabbed her grapefruit.

"We really should have realized of that, darling."

* * *

**Settling Bets**

* * *

Mark grinned over at Illya.

"All forgiven, mate?"

Illya paused, then nodded.

"On one condition. That each of you still owes me one meal. This time a meal of my choosing."

Mark looked to April and Napoleon.

"What do you say? Sounds fair. After all, we picked out what he ate for a whole month."

"You have a deal, chum. And I think we owe Ruby a very nice tip for managing to do what we failed to."

"Agreed."

It was, perhaps, just as well that none of them saw the wink Ruby gave Illya when she refilled his tea.


End file.
